Control Freak!!!

I saved this draft on 3/3/13 and what a hoot it is to re-read it! haha! I've decided to go ahead and publish it because, well, why not? Not sure why I didn't publish it in the first place...if I wasn't done with my psycho babbling or what...but it's so me! haha. RUN!

-KD, 4/28/13
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Hello. My name is Kimberley and I'm a control freak. Shocker, I know (she said drenched in sarcasm).
Over the weekend, I posted a book recommendation on Facebook: Buddha's Brain. To all my religious friends, it's not what you think...it's not a Buddhism book. It's a scientific look at what stress does to your brain, how your brain and kind work together, and how you have the power within you to choose your reaction and ultimately, how much (or little) it effects your life (mind, body, health, welfare, outlook). One of the greatest lessons I've taken from it the first go round (I plan to read it again) is to let go of stressing over those people and situations I cannot control. What I CAN control is how *I* react and deal with people and situations.

I've always been a naturally optimistic person mixed equally with a skeptical realist. Somehow, I make it work even though those seem like polar opposites. Haha. But I've also always feared losing or handing over or never having control - distrust of other people and their abilities or intentions or knowledge or level of caring...you get the point. With work, kids' activities, hobbies, friends, family, hubby, the weather, other drivers, etc. this distrust of others has created an unhealthy sense of paranoia about some things (weather! Haha!). But that lack of control, fueled by distrust of others, which then creates fear and the resulting paranoia also motivates me to learn. This is good and bad. Yay for learning because I don't think anyone should ever stop expanding their horizons but boo for choosing to cause myself stress instead of simply trusting others.
I have to learn that I am incapable of being a know all and be all for every situation and all times. I HAVE to let go sometimes. I have to trust. I have to let the cards fall where they may and stop picking up everyone's slack all the time - be it the weather people who may not be covering MY area as much as *I* want, people at work, friends, etc.

I also have to stop creating unnecessary stress in situations I cannot control. Perfect example: furlough. You've all heard the "sequester" talk in the news, right? Yay! As a result, Josh and I are facing furlough (1 day a week off work, unpaid). That is the equivalent of a 20% pay cut...through the end of September. Ouch, right? But, we can't control it. We may not have control of what day of each week we get furloughed. We have no control of if it will happen or for how long. We can cut expenses (minimally) to alleviate some pain and avoid depleting our savings. But, it is what it is. We will get through it. Stressing about it and causing a negative chemical chain reaction in my body is a wasteful use of energy. So, I choose to just roll with it.

I've also realized I should go get diagnosed by a professional for some sort of OCD/OCPD! Haha! I have a VERY hard time ignoring that which is so blatantly wrong (to me). It may not be wrong at all but it goes against my understanding of how it should be and therefore, irritates the hell out of me. And instead of sitting there and dealing with it internally, I question it (or fix it). Crooked pictures on the wall, non-symmetry in rooms/objects, mis-counting an 8-count, wrong notes (music), being out of rhythm, etc.
example: Leila's cheer dance begins with 4 sets of 5-6-7-8 counts...not 2 sets of 8-counts. Though it's out of the ordinary, it's not harming anyone so why should I care, right? But it is like nails on a chalkboard to me and in my crazy mind, I'm wondering how Leila will ever understand dance/cheer in her life if she hasn't properly learned an 8-count and being counted in...as if she isn't flexible enough to learn it? I KNOW it is ridiculous but I can't make it not bother me. I don't control the situation so I can't fix it. I can't avoid it. I asked about it but it is what it is so I've concluded I need to just get the heck over it. It's not a big deal. It's not harming anyone. But OMG it drives me nuts!!! Haha. But that's precisely the point...it drives ONLY me nuts.

I judge business establishments on their appearance. If a window sign is crooked, I assume they don't care about their food/products. Insanity. I do the same with people and their vocabulary/grammar. :-/

Now, I'm nowhere near perfect and as much as I KNOW this, it's like I have to convince this crazy OCD/OCPD part of my brain of that - that nobody is perfect, my way is NOT the right way (all the time! Haha), and that I cannot and will not be able to control everything...as much as that crazy piece of me wants to.

It's almost as if the more I try to cope with whatever this is, the worse it gets. And I've always been a "mind over matter" kind of person - I can deal with this myself, whatever this is. I just wish I knew exactly what this quirk was.

And as much as I dislike putting labels on things that are usually typical human behavior simply needing to be understood and redirected, I'd really like some sort of confirmation so I can deal with it better.

So yeah...I'm more crazy than you all initially suspected, right? ;)

But I'm happy crazy!!! Woowoo!