Detached...and FREE!!!

Oh, detachment. Story of my life...detach from reality...
But this isn't a therapy session about my dad. Not completely anyway! And no, I'm not detached and free from my wonderful husband either! haha ;)
This is the story of girl who found what she needed...finally...again! Ha!
It's one of those instances where we come to some life-shattering conclusion about something...career choice, vacation plans, vow to eat right, promise to work out, discovering ourselves (well, the latest version of ourselves).

So, with this funk I'm in, this lull of energy, this soul-searching for pain relief...I'm looking for ways to remove some baggage, obligations, noise. One of the biggest time wasters in my life is Facebook. What started as a true social network, reconnecting with everyone I ever knew and a medium for keeping every member of our extended family updated on us, has turned in to my space. It became my own little piece of the world to share photos of something I cooked (because anyone who knows me at all knows how rare of an occurrence that is), non-stop photos of our kids, seemingly pointless rants, play by play's of my day, etc.
And then, the people of Facebook turned it in to something worth making fun of. That is when I first started questioning my reason for being on Facebook. Who was anyone else to judge what *I* do, say, or feel on MY Facebook? Why in the world were people, my "friends", arguing with MY opinion on MY Facebook? (Note: discussions about differing opinions are fabulous and healthy. But people would regularly get downright MEAN and VICIOUS is ridiculous!) More importantly, why the hell did I care?

I've used Facebook to snoop on other people...like my own little technological, real-life soap opera.
"Oooo, someone posted a super vague message about something awful that happened earlier that day...let me go see what. Ooooo, it involves all these mutual friends.... NO way...how could she?"
Don't even pretend you haven't!

I was wasting HOURS of every day consumed in other people's lives. Waiting to see what the next episode of the news feed soap opera would bring. A soap opera that starred people I wouldn't ordinarily, not without Facebook, have any regular communication with. Why was I allowing the ease of Facebook to excuse the continuation of the soap opera? Not only of my choice to waste time engaged in it but all these people's choice to allow me to view it? Then it got me thinking of all the friends I had on Facebook and although most of them rarely posted and weren't part of the soap opera, they were still potential viewers of MY role in the soap opera airing on their news feed. And that thought was scary.

After my Facebook-Free February (which you all MUST do in some sort or fashion for some period of time - it's one hell of an eye opener!!!), I did some friend clean up. My original rule was going to be: Delete anyone that took more than 3 seconds to recall a memory with them or anyone who's family members (husband, child(ren)) I could not name. I ended up just sporadically removing people who seemed like too much of a stranger. Relief. I felt better.

As I have evolved and matured through the years, my use of Facebook continues to change. I now realize I need it to be my friend. No, not the "friend" we call all the people we add to our network, but a real friend. I need the group of people I allow in to be a small, intimate group of people I know and trust to see all of me, to be honest with me, to let me be me. The same way you'd go out to coffee with a group of friends and talk and laugh about your lives, your husbands and kids, your drama at work, your emotional issues...I need Facebook to be my group of friends at the coffee shop. I don't NEED to add every neighbor, all the parents of my kids, all the parents from the kids' teams, and every person I've ever known or worked with in my life. If they're important enough, I'd have (or will get) their phone number, or I know we communicate through a Facebook group (September 2003 Boardies, June 2009 CafeMom group, Local pages, etc). Eh, "important enough" isn't right. That sounds so...negative. It's not that the people I unfriend aren't important, I just don't envision them in my group of friends at the coffee shop. And many people who were my friends on Facebook I didn't really KNOW enough to feel comfortable sharing my coffee shop topics with...but I may need to KNOW them enough to exchange phone numbers for our kids' sake.

And I think that is true for a lot of people...more than they probably are willing to admit; from the News Feed Soap Opera to your Facebook needs evolving with you...

The life-shattering conclusion, the big "ah-ha!" moment when I realized I needed that coffee shop group was Sunday night. I had emotional pain I had to release, and not just in tears, related to the 10th Father's Day without my dad. I started a Facebook note on my iPhone and went at it...kept messing with the privacy settings (only me or open to friends?)...then back to writing. Then, because I KNEW how deep it was getting and how many people I did NOT feel comfortable seeing that part of me, in fear of it being published on Facebook, I cut and pasted it in to the Note app and continued plugging away for 3 hours. I felt better. But I had friends I wanted to share it with. As part of my therapy, I wanted certain people to read it, feel it, learn from it, know me. And I didn't feel I could.

Then, my friend Cassie, who is one of those who always has the most perfect thing to say at the most perfect time, she shared a link that night about unfriending and detaching. I needed that post so bad at that moment. If you didn't read it the two times I shared it on Facebook, do yourself (and me) a favor and read it now. I'll still be here when you get done: http://www.messycanvas.com/2013/06/unfriending-detaching/

Awesome, right?

So, I've taken all of my experiences and perceptions and understanding of that post and brought my coffee shop group down to less than 150 now...cut in half! I unfriended old friends, new friends, local friends, work friends, kids' parents and even family. Not a single one of those unfriendings was done with any ill will and it most certainly should not be taken that way. It is simply my way of detaching from the Facebook as the social network and soap opera I once needed it to be and attaching to its/my new purpose of healing.

I left people on who I didn't really know enough to be certain I could trust them with all of me, but felt there was potential, or they've proven to be loyal, good, committed, caring and involved facebook friends over the years.

But man, oh man...the liberation felt during Facebook-Free February is NOTHING compared to detaching/unfriending. Caution has been thrown to the wind - no more need to filter who I am or what I want/need to use Facebook for based on who might see it and what they might think. The friends remaining are going to see it all - good, bad, ugly, broken, happy, mad, exhausted, insightful, lost and found. If you don't want or care to see it, it's as easy as unfriending. No hard feelings, I promise. :)